Let go and let God

This is your moment…

You have been waiting for this day in and day out. Every night you are awaiting this to become a reality. The day you will be able to hold your own baby close to your chest.

I may not know who you are and what you do, but I want what you want. Although we are not in the same position, but I am sure that if you had to opportunity you would do the same for me or someone else. We are in the same club, one where not a lot of people like to be, where no one wants to talk about the baby elephant in the room. The club where pain, tears, loss, infertility meet one another. The loneliness, the disappointment, the anger, the fear… I don’t know you and I do not personally know how this feels but I have a very small and soft heart. I love being kind and being thankful for what I have and I can only imagine the chair you are sitting in.

I realize that finding out you are not pregnant again and again, when that test shows negative after negative and your faith becomes weakened. Tears start to come down and you wonder why this path has been chosen for you.

I am here to tell you that, yes people will judge, they judge me because I do not wear make up every day. My husband says I am beautiful without it and I have grown to not feel so wounded on that. BUT… of course his family isn’t as supportive of how we raise our little girl. We believe that too much sugar isn’t good; they believe that a child is only young once. We just don’t feel that that is the case.
Sometimes it does get under my skin, but my husband is very strict on me not being unhappy so he will just say to ignore them and move on. We make the decisions because we have to consider the consequences.

The times when you got into bed and want no one to touch you, yet you want someone to hold you as tight as ever. Family can be so abusive; I do not like a bully at all. Because I have such a soft heart I am normally the one being bullied, crying and calling my husband, he always tells me chin up, do not let them get to you, do not let them see you cry. After a while I realized that why waste my tears on silly things like that? There is a lot of happy tears and sad tears coming with a little one.

Like the day my daughter decided running on wet tiles are fun, well ok it was fun until she fell and scrapped her knee. Of course a first time mommy what do I do? I cry and call my husband – and I am usually the one fixing all the bruises and cuts and all the bloody things with that.

I realize that putting up a fake smile to show everyone ‘you’re ok’ when you know you are not are usually the way to go, but for me – I started wearing my heart on my sleeve, which is difficult, because I do not like seeing someone else sad. So I will usually smile so that I can brighten them up. But for me, it is ok not to be ok sometimes. As long as you get up and get dressed.

I know you are worried about what is next…
I know you are worried about how long before it all starts over again…
You have to let go and let God…